Sunday, 23 September 2012

Three Wheels on My Wagon

“I think I might have a flat tyre,” announced my other half.

Well you either have or you haven’t…it’s a bit like being pregnant really, there’s no in-between.

“Ok then, I have a flat tyre”

Did anything happen that contributed to this flat tyre?

“Well, I might have driven over a concrete island thing in the car park”.

Err,…don’t mean to sound repetitive here…. but either you did drive over something or you didn’t?

“Ok then, I drove over a concrete kerb thingy in the car park”

Would that be the concrete delineator that you are not supposed to drive over then?

“Yes, that’ll be it”

How did you manage to drive over something that is supposed to separate the lanes?

“Well, it kind of just jumped out at me and before I knew it the back wheel of the car had clattered it”

Was this like a major bang, or just a scuff?

“Oh, it was just a scuff really”

(Inspection of tyre in driveway now points to a gaping hole in the sidewall of the tyre.)

This “scuff”… it must have been a hell of a scuff to puncture the side of the tyre.
“Well, now you mention it… the car did bounce off the edge quite firmly”

Did you think about stopping to inspect for any damage or anything?

“Yeah, I just took a look once I got home”

So, that’s fifteen miles on a flat as a pancake tyre and you never noticed anything was wrong?

“Stop picking on me…you always blame me for everything, it’s not my fault”

No, never is…just like the time you reversed into that parked car.

“You always bring that up; it wasn’t my fault someone parked behind me”

(Thinks to myself, God give me strength)..Ok, who was driving the car?

“That doesn’t matter, if it had been you it would have been a different story”

Yes dear, that’s correct. I wouldn’t have driven over the bloody concrete divider in the car park. If I had made a (very rare) error of judgment, I would have stopped had a look at the tyre and possibly taken it to the tyre service centre which is about 200 yards from the mall car park…….And, by the way before you move off you are supposed to check your mirrors to see if anyone has parked behind you.

“That was years ago”

Ok, fair point. What about the alloy wheel you buckled last year that cost me £175 to replace?

“That wasn’t my fault either, there was a pothole”

You don’t have to drive through them at high speed though.

“I was not going fast”

That’s right dear, the wheel just buckled itself. You do know in over twenty years of driving I have never ruined a wheel.

“Oh here we go; Mr Perfect doesn’t ever make mistakes”

That’s not the point.

“Just change my tyre please”

Thirty minutes later, oil stained jeans, grease covered hands, scuffed knuckles, red faced and slightly embarrassed, as I couldn’t get the wheel off…. I am driving fifteen miles on a flat tyre back to the mall tyre service centre. “That’ll be £114.99 please sir and you might want to get that alloy checked out, looks like you may have damaged the edge driving it on the flat tyre – did you not think to put the spare on?”


Friday, 14 September 2012

Warning !

Last week I went shopping and bought some celery. Its okay, I’m not a celery-holic or anything like that; it was just a routine purchase.

On the back of the pack was a helpful Allergy Information Warning, which read “Contains Celery”.

Now, I’m all for providing valid information to those unfortunates in society who need reminding that their coffee may be hot, or those products with nuts in them may contain nuts, but this is surely taking the piss. What else could celery possibly contain?

I think warnings like these are missing a trick here. It’s not what is blindingly obvious we need to be told but the hidden less obvious consequences. Such as

“Using this condom incorrectly may result in at least 16 years of parental responsibility costing approx £200,000, two and a half years of very little sleep, projectile vomit on your once prized designer shirt and will change your sexy, vivacious, horny partner into a rabid foaming at the mouth, frigid wreck who will consequently blame you for everything for the rest of your life.”

“You may have used this scalpel sharp; five bladed razor successfully for the last three weeks without incident, but you will slash yourself deeply before today’s job interview/important meeting/wedding and spend the rest of the morning with half a toilet roll stuck to your lower chin”

“Monopoly may result in one player taking everything far too seriously, following the rules to the letter and tipping the board upside down in an explosion of rage prior to screaming they hate you and filing for divorce (especially on Christmas day after a glass of wine) Play responsibly”

“While this automobile has been provided with indicators on each corner to assist other road users in understanding your intended direction at roundabouts, if you are a spotty face jumped up young executive and choose not to use them, you may be bludgeoned to death in a road rage incident”

“While Sky Bet claims to be a fair gambling organisation, you will at one point have pocket aces, throw all your money in the pot only to lose to someone who wins the hand with three 2’s following the River Card miraculously favouring the other player. Either that or you will be surprised to learn that 11 even numbers will come out in a row, thus defying probability when you have just doubled your stake repeatedly on the appearance of an odd number in Roulette”
I think if I had known all of these things, my week may have been a little easier.
What helpful warnings would have assisted you?