Easter Holidays

Ok, so it is now almost the middle of the second week of the school holidays and my wife’s sanity is crumbling. This is why I deliberately took two days off last week and two this week; - to avoid becoming involved in the apocalyptic meltdown that encompasses this phase.

This morning I had the “I’m a slave to everyone in this house” speech, which generally comes about following ten days of no school and sends me scurrying to find a reason to leave the house and praying I survive until tomorrow’s sanctuary of work. Ok, my daughter does have a tendency to leave stuff lying around, there is clearly more laundry to be done and son’s bedroom could be tidier but is it really that bad?

When you try to point out the actual facts, such as I have done all the cooking and shopping in the last few days, this is quickly rebuked and trumped with a torrent of “washing, ironing, dusting, floor cleaning, bathroom cleaning, giving birth to your children…” (yes dear it was ten /twelve years ago – I am eternally grateful get over it)

Last night I even got my proverbial’s chewed because I had the audacity to have two pairs of shoes left downstairs. Flog me with a dead horse, go on I must deserve it. Anyway, following this mini rant at about 10’o clock last night, I got up this morning to find two pairs of her boots at the bottom of the stairs along with my son’s trainers. Oh, I see – its do as I say not do as I do!

About half an hour ago, this was also followed up by the classic “there is grass on the floor, you must have taken it in with you” rant. Cue frantic broom sweeping, floor mopping and vacuuming, followed by the “I’m a slave, I do everything round here…..”

Of course when I sensibly suggest, this grass could have come from anyone else’s shoes and was probably a result of walking her dog, I might as well have pushed the button on an intercontinental ballistic missile.

I know she is slightly OCD about crumbs etc on the floor, but surely if you have a dog a bit of debris comes with the territory and I do not have a built in grass detection system. Like everything else in this house, if you are in the wrong place at the wrong time you could be on the wrong end of my wife’s wrath that would put Khan or the Titans to shame.

The funny thing is it swings from her being fed up through the day when the kids are at school, to wanting to eat her young and disembowel her husband after a few days with everyone at home. It doesn’t help that the weather has been poor either, but this is only Easter – there are seven weeks of Summer holidays to come.

I am now taking the sensible precaution of avoiding being in the kitchen with her (too many sharp instruments to hand) in order to preserve my work / life balance.

Oh and I must go now because I have been told to go vacuum the living room, hall and daughters bedroom before she returns from walking the dog or my balls will be served on a silver platter.